"Our last goodbye was never said."-(via aggravations)
I feel like a bad person for deciding what I did and why I did it.
I feel guilty whenever I think about it.
But I’m happier now.
I have someone who tells me they love me everyday. Someone who will call me and talk to me when they miss me. Someone who I don’t argue with on a weekly basis; we haven’t argued yet. It will happen, but I think we’ll handle it alright. I think part of the reason why we don’t argue is because I know he cares about me and loves me, and I don’t have to question it. He’s honest with me if anything comes up with exes or other girls or anything like that. Yeah, it makes me feel shitty, but I just want honesty. I don’t have to be paranoid thinking about what might actually be going on or being said behind my back. I’m just glad that he doesn’t have to deal with that since no one ever misses me. I would hate to have him feel that way.
We both want the same things.
I’m happier now.
However, I’m a shitty person, and that’s one thing that I will never be happy with.
It feels good to be with someone who wants to move away in the future and actually take me with them.
My choice is England, he likes Pittsburgh.
I love both and would be okay with either.
My mother is the type of woman who goes out every weekend. To bars; some times she drinks, sometimes she doesn’t. When she does, its horribly embarrassing and I have to make sure she’s alright and gets home safely. She’s a small person and doesn’t drink often, so alcohol effects her easily. But every single weekend for the past 3 months just about, every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, she’s not home until about 1-2am. Sometimes she gets home even later and I worry. She doesn’t have a job, yet she can afford these weekend meet-ups with friends every single weekend. Since I still live at home, she gets child support from my father. I never see any of this money; I never ask her for anything. My expenses are being paid for with both my current full-time and part-time jobs. I want to be able to support myself, and I am.
My step-father recently moved out, whom is my half-sister’s father. She’s 9 and at this age, she’s absorbing everything around her. She’s at that awkward stage between being babied and fully understanding how ugly their relationship really is and having a vague idea of what a marriage should be. She isn’t stupid, I know she knows what’s going on. My mother also gets money from him on a weekly basis. She’s been getting this money for the past several years. I’m not sure as to why. I think it has to do with some post-nup or pre-nuptial thing, but I could be wrong.
What makes me sad is that my mother can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and she doesn’t have to work for any of it. She doesn’t have to work for the house we live in, she doesn’t ever cook dinner or go grocery shopping. I can’t talk to her about anything that goes on in my personal life because she’s genuinely uninterested, yet she can go on for quite a long time when she is taking about herself.
And I guess what makes me really angry is that she recently started seeing this new guy. Her seeing this guy isn’t what makes me angry, but the fact that she will buy things for him when IT ISNT EVEN HER MONEY is what makes me furious. For example, his 50th birthday is coming up on Friday, so she decided to buy him a Build-a-bear, a coffee mug, a hat, sweatshirt, and I’m pretty sure shot glasses and sunglasses or something. Keep in mind, she doesn’t have a job, but she’ll spend either my father’s child support money or my step-father’s money on him.
Her and my stepfather aren’t divorced, and the other day I had asked her if they were going to get a divorce since they are living separately. She replied, “Well if Bob wants to, I will.” Bob is the new guy she’s seeing. Like, what? Can’t you make YOUR OWN decisions? Can’t you take care of yourself instead of using other people money to support you and your daughter?
It makes me so sad whenever I hear girls talk about how their moms have sacrificed so much for them and how they brought them up and taught them well. Or how their moms are their best friends and they can talk to them about anything. Or how they had taught them how to support themselves and live a good life.
Although I also learned how to support myself through watching my mother, I had learned in a very different way. I have grown up watching exactly what not to do. I will NEVER not have a job and not have an income to support myself and my children with. I will never let anyone give me money like that or have this attitude that they owe it to me. If I ever have children, I will not let them watch the arguments that me and their father get into. Instead, I will take it elsewhere so we could resolve the issue without them getting involved. I will make dinner for them every day, not once every two months. I will go grocery shopping, help them with school, and spend my weekends with them instead of going out all of the time. That would only happen every once-in-a-great-while. I will do everything I can so they can have someone to talk to and have someone to look up to.
I just wish I had that so, so badly.
It gets worse and worse every week.
I could move away and literally no one would notice or care.
I don’t talk to my old friends anymore. I feel like if I did move, they would just shrug their shoulders like it’s no big deal.
I guess I’ve become so desensitized over the past two years that I have no idea what it feels like to be missed, or loved, or to cause someone pain because they care about me and don’t want me to leave them. That’s why I feel like I can just up and leave.
I’m not going to bother moving out on my own now. Maybe in a year, if him and I are still together, we’ll move away.
Pittsburgh was a nice place. I liked it when I went there, and he went to school there.
I loved England, but I’m deathly afraid of flying.
Maybe I’ll be okay with it by then.
you`re fucking kidding me
AMERICAN NINJA WARIOR
A STREAKER CUT THE ACTUAL CONTESTANT OFF AND BLEW THROUGH IT LIKE HE’S SONIC THE FUCKING HEDGEHOG WHAT THE FUCK